Caregiver Fatigue
Co-authored by Jake Summers and Joanna Lilley
Every time we fly on an airplane, we get to hear one of the best pieces of life advice that we probably ignore: “Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.” We must ensure that we are safe ourselves before we can start to help others. This metaphor is extremely important to remember when we think of the caregivers to those who suffer from substance use or mental health disorders. As caregivers stop focusing on self care, they unknowingly begin to suffer from fatigue, and become less helpful to those they love.
What is “caregiver fatigue? It is the gradual loss of motivation, focus, and ability of a caregiver to provide sustained support for a loved one in need. While this applies to those who care for the sick, elderly, disabled, or a number of other individuals, we will focus specifically on those who informally care for adult children suffering from substance use disorder (SUD) or mental health disorders (MH).
For anyone who has spent even one evening ‘babysitting’ an intoxicated friend, they would be quick to admit that this can be exhausting. Caregivers of individuals with SUD / MH live in an unpredictable cycle of mood swings, defiance, and irrational behavior. This cycle will bring any parent, sibling, friend, or significant other to their knees if they are exposed to it for a long enough time. This is precisely why family support groups like Al-Anon exist. The caregiver continues to show up because they often feel like there is nowhere else for their loved one to turn, or it would be a selfish act to turn away. The most selfless thing a caregiver could do is stop caregiving for their loved one.
Caregiver’s are often confused and frustrated. Often wondering “why” they are unable to fix their loved one. It’s a complete paradox too. The caregiver will be utterly exhausted and desperate to throw in the towel on one hand, and then manage to muster enough energy to refuse to “give up” on their child. They say it’s because they refuse to let them die. They are drained - financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually - and yet they continue to find themselves logistically managing all appointments, providing transportation to said appointments, and then ensuring they have eaten. They might use the expression “I’m done. This is it. You’re cut off,” but then they find themselves right back in the same situation where they aren’t following through with their threats. They are not holding boundaries. They are giving endlessly, and getting nothing in return other than more heartbreak and disappointment. There is a way to beat this cycle.
Stop giving. Now, you must prioritize your own self-care. It is not selfish to put yourself first. How can you give on an empty tank? Families that are living with a loved one with SUD / MH are constantly anxious, and long-term anxiety can have debilitating effects. Caregiver fatigue is when someone is metaphorically killing themselves to save someone else. It’s a lose-lose scenario.
Stop and think, just briefly. Are you trying to force a square peg into a round hole? That expression is more accurate than not when it comes to families getting their loved ones to treatment only to find that it wasn’t a good fit. It didn’t work, and yet they spent a lot of money, yet again, on a failed treatment program. Or worse, if your own fears or stigmas associated with residential treatment are what is keeping you from recommending that level of care, after multiple failed attempts at Outpatient treatment. Pay attention to how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and how you are reacting. Catch this proactively, if possible. If you don’t, you will find yourself in a very uncomfortable situation down the line where you wish you could continue to give, but you have nothing left.
If you are thinking about sending your loved one to treatment, make sure to ask about their family therapy programs. Therapeutic Educational Consultants are also very valuable resources for families, as they are better equipped to provide advice to assist the entire family system. There are tools and resources available for caregivers to break this cycle, but it takes willingness and effort.
For questions or comments contact:
Jake Summers via email.
